Tucker's Witch, Ep. 2, "Big Mouth"

Hollywood gossip reporter Jewel Porter comes home one night to find that someone has left her a present in her bathroom. It isn't a lavender-scented candle — it’s a cobra! The next day, she contacts the Tuckers to investigate. She shows Rick and Amanda a threatening letter from the killer and tells them that these sorts of things are all part and parcel of the gossip game. Amanda suggests that since there was an attempt on Porter’s life then the police should be called, but her idea is nixed. Porter doesn’t want the police and the subsequent media attention their presence would bring. The gossiper doesn’t like to be gossiped about, natch.

Soon, however, due to some expertly placed explosives, the decision is made for Jewel Porter. The bodies begin piling up, as do the suspects and red herrings. There’s Porter’s personal assistant and would-be gossip reporter, Darren. Porter’s fellow gossip-monger Nathan Blye also makes the list of usual suspects. You have to suspect the husband, Terry, and his secretary/mistress, Christy. And because all of Jewel’s money goes to her daughter if she kicks the bucket, then Dawn, as well as her secret husband, Andre (Porter’s masseur) have to be in the line-up.

Will the Tuckers figure it all out? How is Amanda going to use her powers to crack the case? What does a cat statue have to do with it all? And who or what is the “alien force” that Dickens seems to think is sneaking into the Tuckers’ garbage cans at night?

There are two things I want to set straight right from the start. One, I understand the name of this episode is “Big Mouth,” but Martha Raye does not make an appearance, so don’t get your hopes up.

Two, the killer is Andre. Before you begin screaming “SPOILER ALERT!” at me, just know that we’re shown that Andre is up to no good from the very beginning. Unless Jewel Porter has a mongoose infestation in her bathroom, I can’t think of any reason outside of murder for Andre to leave a cobra in her bathtub. So, like the pilot episode, the viewer is privy to information that the Tuckers are not — namely, the killer’s identity — and the whole thrust of the story is to watch them unravel the clues and figure it all out.

That’s all well and good, but Andre’s identity as the killer could have easily been hidden from the viewer’s ken. I mean, that’s what POV camerawork and well-framed shots of the killer’s hands in black leather gloves are for, no?

The how-dunit/why-dunit formula works on Columbo, because we love watching the good lieutenant nag the suspect to death with his insights as he meticulously pieces all the clues together. I’m not so sure it works for Tucker’s Witch. This episode has enough would-be suspects that the viewer could have had a lot of fun working with the Tuckers to figure out who the killer is. Instead, because we know it’s Andre from the beginning, it isn’t as satisfying a watch. Rick and Amanda are a cute couple, but “cute” don’t cut it when we have to watch them work their way through clues and red herrings that we know ultimately don’t mean a thing.

Ahhhh…enough about what I think is wrong…let’s talk about what this episode gets right. Let’s start with our supporting players, Alfre Woodard and Barbara Barrie. Somewhere in the multiverse, in a world where Tucker’s Witch is a big, big hit, there are episodes - possibly in the third or fourth season - where Marcia (Woodard) and Ellen (Barrie) solve crimes, either as a team or separately, while Rick and Amanda are off on vacation somewhere. Instead, we have to make do with the few minutes per episode each is granted.

In this case, we get to watch Amanda’s mother, Ellen, try to outwit a “hostile alien force,” i.e. a raccoon that’s been getting into the trash every night. After speaking to someone from animal control about what to use as bait in the traps for this tiny invader, Ellen, a bit preoccupied, lets Amanda and Jewel Porter’s daughter, Dawn, know that there’s dessert to be had:

Ellen: I couldn’t find any marshmallows, so I had to use sardines.

[Amanda and Dawn look confused as Ellen walks away.]

Ellen [spinning back around]: Oh! I made a lovely cake. Would you like some?

It’s a sweet gag that highlights Ellen’s flibbertigibbetiness.

Back at the office, Marcia is used as an exposition dump, spitting out clues and motives. We also get a snippet of snark about Jewel Porter:

Rick: Where would we go to get a list of Jewel Porter’s professional enemies?

Marcia: The Academy Awards.

Boom. Thanks, Marcia.

What else is going on in this episode? Well, we’ve got one of my favorite mystery tropes: the typewritten note with off-set letters that lets the detective know exactly which typewriter was used. As he investigates one of the threatening letters Jewel Porter received, Rick notices some odd characteristics:

Rick: I tell you what I get…I get the letter M out of alignment. It’s a manual typewriter, not an electric. Some letters lighter, some letters darker, which tells me the person was using a hunt-and-peck method.

That’s some good, ol’ fashioned sleuthing!

There’s also an appearance of a guy in a gorilla suit. What’s more, it’s Andre, stalking the catwalks above Jewel Porter’s TV show like a hirsute Phantom of the Opera. After cutting the ropes on the lights over Porter’s head in hopes that she gets smooshed (spoiler: she doesn’t), Andre the Ape cuts and runs out of the studio and disappears into the Universal backlot. We get a great look at the false fronts of the buildings as Rick searches for the would-be killer.

Threaded throughout this episode are charming moments where Rick tries to piece together a “lost” evening. It seems ol’ Rick got a little tipsy at a party and mislaid his jacket…his sock…and much of his memory. It has nothing to do with the main plot, but it’s fun seeing Amanda and Marcia make fun of him as little by little his activities that night are revealed to him.

Rick: Why don’t you use your magic for something more useful like helping me find my jacket?

Amanda: You probably left it at Tina and Jerry’s last night. Boy, did you get blotto.

Rick: I was not blotto. I never get blotto. I was attacked. Whoever heard of Portuguese vodka? [Concerned.] Was I that bad?

Amanda: You were fine once you stopped bullfighting with the schnauzer.

Ah, it happens to the best of us, Rick!

In the “Hey, it’s him/her!” department, working the desk in Jewel Porter’s office is none other than Liz “Raquel Ochmonek” Sheridan. Sheridan should be a familiar face to TV viewers, especially fans of ALF. Sheridan made a career playing fussy, put-upon types, and this role is no different.

This has nothing to do with the show itself, but I did notice a moment where whoever digitized the original media for Tucker’s Witch failed to properly edit the image. During a scene at the Tuckers’ office, we get a shot of Amanda flanked by sprocket holes. As someone who used to work for a media preservation company, it’s a neat reminder that these shows don’t just live in the bodiless realm of the internet. They have an actual, physical form. It’s also a moment that makes me wonder if the company responsible for digitizing this show is hiring – I’m very detail-oriented!

That brings us to the end of another episode of Tucker’s Witch. Next time, we’ll be talking about episode three, “The Corpse Who Knew Too Much,” which may be one of the most overused titles in the mystery genre. Before I leave you, allow me to remind you what to do the next time you drink Portuguese vodka. In the words of Rick’s buddy, Andy, before you drink it, you want to take this much olive oil and three tablespoons of cream cheese, then you’re safe.

Words of wisdom, Andy. Words. Of. Wisdom.