LARPing Real Life Versus Leiningen Versus the Ants

Last year, just as the first COVID lockdown was happening, we had a bug problem in our apartment.

No, nothing as serious as Mr. Pratt's houseguests. Our bugs were of the ant variety.

Well, maybe it just felt like the problem was that big. My wife and I certainly had to take some drastic measures.

Okay, it was just me wiping everything down in our kitchen with lemon juice and shaking cinnamon everywhere until I could find out where the little buggers were coming from. Then I went out and bought some ant traps. Happy? Sheesh!

One of the things that popped into my mind while I was looking up ways to fight off this tiny, invading army was "Leiningen Versus the Ants." How could I not think of this classic "Humanity vs. Nature" story that I'd first encountered in a junior high English class? (I seem to recall also being introduced to Jack London's "To Build a Fire" - another classic of the genre - and Edgar Allan Poe's "The Masque of the Red Death" at about the same time. What a trifecta of terror!)

Written by Austrian-born German Carl Stephenson in 1938, "Leiningen Versus the Ants" is an old-style adventure yarn, a short story genre that has fallen out of favor in more literary circles. Modern readers may be surprised to discover that Stephenson's story was published alongside Ernest Hemingway in the December 1938 issue of Esquire.

(Now's not the time or the place to get into the whole "genre vs literary fiction" debate, so I will simply recommend that you check out Michael Chabon's introduction to his 2001 book of essays, Maps & Legends. "Trickster in a Suit of Lights: Thoughts on the Modern Short Story" pretty much says it all as far as I am concerned.)

The story is simple: A government official makes a special and urgent call to Leiningen's plantation in the middle of the Brazilian rainforest. The purpose of his visit? To bring warning of an oncoming nightmare: "Ten miles long, two miles wide--ants, nothing but ants!" Leiningen's spread is directly in the ants' path, and if the plantation owner and his 400 workers don't clear out pronto, then they risk being eaten alive.

Leiningen thanks the official for his visit, but he doesn't plan on going anywhere. His plantation represents three years of hard work, and he won't leave it for love or money...or ants.

The rest of the story tells of Leiningen's attempts to thwart the insectoid tidal wave. Moats are dug, petrol is splashed liberally about, and in the end it's up to Leiningen himself to face the six-legged onslaught.

Told you the story was simple.

One of the things that will probably strike modern readers (and maybe infuriate them, too) is that Leiningen isn't the "bad guy" in the story. Sure, he's obstinate and maybe a bit arrogant, but he isn't some mustache-twirling, cigar-chomping villain that will make readers actively root for the ants. He's just a guy who wants to save his life's work from going down the gullet of a bunch of insects. Should "Leiningen Versus the Ants" get a remake, then I can see Leiningen being protrayed as an eco-colonizer who is exploiting the land and his workers for profit. The ants would be recast as a miles-long and wide swarm of tiny avenging angels. 

I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy watching that movie, and I'm also not saying that the questions that movie would ask aren't pertinent to our present-day eco-crisis, but I think it's also interesting to view this story from the perspective of the times in which it written. For right or wrong, "Leiningen Versus the Ants" is a story about problem solving and overcoming obstacles. It's about heroism in the face of an elemental force, or as the government official says, "an act of God." Reading the story with that frame of mind might allow the more skeptical reader to enjoy Stephenson's story as it was intended -- a simple action-adventure yarn.

While "Leiningen Versus the Ants" might not be at the same level as, say, "The Most Dangerous Game" in terms of number of adaptations, there are still quite a few very good versions that have been turned out over the years.

The radio program Escape churned out a few adaptations in the late-40s with William Conrad as Leiningen. Conrad's voice carried such gravitas over the radio. By his own estimate, he portrayed more than 7,500 roles during his radio career, the most famous being Marshal Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke. Conrad's Leiningen is determination and resourcefulness personified.

Not to be outdone, the radio show Suspense also brought Leiningen to America's ears in the late-1950s. Once again, William Conrad stepped into Leiningen's petrol-soaked shoes for a 1957 broadcast. Two years later, Suspense was at it again, only this time Mexican-born actor Luis van Rooten portrayed the plantation owner.

The movies got in on the act in 1954 with the release of The Naked Jungle. Produced by George Pal and directed by Byron Haskin, it starred Charleton Heston as Leiningen and introduced a love interest (played by Eleanor Parker) into the equation -- as is Hollywood's wont.

If you aren't into big screen adaptations, how about a Leiningen-esque story from the small screen? Back in 1985, everyone's favorite improv action-adventure hero, Macgyver, battled a horde of ravenous ants in the Brazilian rainforest in the episode called "Trumbo's World." Who knew duct tape and a Swiss army knife were the jungle ant's natural enemies?

Finally, if you like the funny books more than anything, then we got you covered, baby. Strange Suspense Stories #20 published a comic version of "Leiningen..." -- er, I mean "Van Mohl Versus the Ants" back in 1954. This version of the story is the one most modern readers would prefer, with Van Mohl portrayed as a big fat jerk who gets his comeuppance in the most EC Comics' Tales from the Crypt sort of way. It's very satisfying to see Van Mohl's fate in that last panel.

So, I hope you are all better prepared now to handle your next ant invasion. Because, as I'm sure you're now well aware, it's a matter of "when" not "if."

Besides, I'm much happier now that I've made my peace with our new ant overlords. I may not understand what the heck is going on...but it's certainly a funkier world.